Monday 31 October 2011

Fighting the urge to run?

To a soul untouched by the thick waves of the sea, the fury beneath the crystal clear.
Safe and sound, keeping away from the lashing mighty, hidden somewhere in time,
Behold those who float upon the tempting realm of impurity, or call it desire.

A mesmerizing satisfaction you may feel running down your spine,
as you feed upon those who already perished,
back to the early days where the bright sun shone upon the mighty storm,
a time long gone when the wind was calm , when the sea would warm your skin.

I offer you to provoke a thought, tonight you can make a decision.
You can choose to be bigger than the person you are,
or you can choose to be a person smaller than you think you are.
There is no hope till you face the storm, there is no way in the sea,
you can't work your innocent charm.

You've always played this game, you have your free will to choose.
You can't run now, you can't cut loose.
This is where you take a stand for yourself,
Here there is no defense.
This is the new world you've stepped into.
First you were given land, well now you only have water.
No place to run, no place to hide.
What can you do now? Can you see the light?

I offer you a choice, you can prove yourself this time.
All you have to do, is survive.

Om mani padme hum.


The six syllables, OM-MA-NI-PAD-ME-HUM,

Om - Pride/Ego

Ma - Lust/Jealousy

Ni - Passion/Desire

Pad - Ignorance

Me - Poverty/Possessiveness

Hum - Agression/Hatred

In dependence on the practice which is in indivisible union of method and wisdom,
you can transform your impure body, speech and mind into the pure
body, speech, and mind of a Buddha. It is said that you should not
seek for Buddhahood outside of yourself; the substances for the
achievement of Buddhahood are within.

Can you take the path of a true human being, the one that you are inside?

Tuesday 25 October 2011

Embrace yourself

As we sit here, bound in the realm of time and functionality,
stuck in the vicious cycle of searching up a story and gulping it down as your life,
accepting what you see, cos what you see will be the only thing you'll believe.
Your imagination becomes a door way, a guidance, a cheerful foreplay,
you listen to the little man in you , you learn his ways, you shut up him up forever, you act brave.

What you know now has the power to take you beyond, it's the limitless force which fuels you.
There's no stopping now, there's nothing that can fool you.
There's this secret no one never dare share, you'll need to look past the normal, look beyond in space,
through stars and showers, flying above skyscrapers and towers.
You just have to close your eyes and wonder where to go, this thing you've learnt will give you your answer,
there's too much to learn , there's too much to transfer.

You can listen to the voice, you can let it hold you together, you don't have to fear.
You have a being, now accept it's soul, cos only the mind knows best, haven't you been told?
Keep your frame, you just need an instruction, trust what you think and you'll never have an obstruction.
It's the skilled play of manipulation, of construction, you do what it asks you to, you don't ever raise a question.
Why fight with your own head, when there are a million other reasons, disappointments have been  like seasons, and you've always regretted treason?

Open your doors, learn to let go.
Because time is ours to grasp, there won't ever be a need to feed on the past.
Promise to practice what you preach, because there's nothing a teacher can't teach.
It's the lies and the unfaithful feast, that's here to lure some mistreat,
So sit back, relax. Sip a hot mug .
You're already on the way to fixing these calculated bugs.

Keep your cool, keep your nose up,
There's nothing you can't do, there's no one that could interrupt.
Time to wear some different boots, you're on your own now, don't choose the sad flute.
You are what you see, what you see is what you can believe, cos there's nothing you'll ever miss, when you've learnt you have a mind like this. 

Thursday 20 October 2011

Coldest Winter

I will never alter your frame of mind, you're too sad in your ways.

To believe human beings have their own way in their heads that they think,
is right and nothing can tell them that what you're doing is a path towards self-destruction and pretty soon, 
when they do realize that it's going to fuck up, they don't have anywhere to run to.

The feeling of losing someone dear to an unsettled storm.
Something that stirs a violent emotion in you.
You've seen it happening, it's all around you.
You've been through it, you've seen the shadows, the dark gloomy side.
From the outside, it's a bright wild feeling, the sun is warm and the breeze is cold.

It's getting colder everyday, i can feel the chill last longer.

You know, its not about what we're doing, its about how we've been doing it.
You can't question a practice even if its wrong because it has always been around our lives.
Choice has a lot of value, i'd say.
For a human being, the beginning of the world or the end of it as we know it, will always be stuck around in the normal realm we all pursue, the happiness from thought, the loneliness without.

All this talk is getting old, all these words are rusting, they won't make a difference till you let them.
Don't blame me if i don't stay, don't hurt if i didn't say goodbye, i'm watching you with my bleeding eyes, i can see the storm brewing.
It's just human tendency, it's just the pain that you've learnt to bear.
When you see beyond the realm of pain, that's where you might skip a heartbeat.
Found that world a long while ago, and beyond the world of pain, there is no pleasure whatsoever.

It really is getting colder, the chill has stuck to the spine.
Somethings just never change, but sometimes, change isn't what we need.
What we lack is hope, if there isn't a feeling in you, that you'll manage it, maybe you'll never manage it, and if you do, maybe you will never have deserved to.

The surreal territory, is only a state of your imagination, but keep up with this, and you will just have fenced all around it, and once your farm of imagination is limited, you have nothing to lose, but you'll never have anything you can gain again.
Its you who started this cycle, it's only your will that can end it.
You've made the same mistakes, but i took the fall for you.


Cheers my people, you owe it to yourselves, if you could smile today, knowing it's going to be dim, knowing you've committed the sin.
How would you live, As a fugitive?
Because tomorrow isn't sure if it wants to come at all, and today is disappointed to see our turnout fall.

Good luck to ye all,  It's going to be the coldest winter, yet.

Saturday 15 October 2011

Light

The worlds at a standstill, Day's are passing by.
Time has stopped yet there's something, somewhere that's eating up the morning and the night goes on.
It's a fucking drag sometimes when you think of it. Sitting by the railing, wondering how did all of this come to what it is.

Where is it. That sweet state of serenity, where everything seems to be in its right place.
Unfair it might be at times, where all of us live in the same bubble, catching glimpses of eternal peace.
But that's just an illusion, it's the way the human mind is set to think i'd say. We set out with all our priorities fixed, knowing what to do, where to go, what to see, what to feel and our actions take course with time.

I don't know how to explain how people suddenly lose their physical being somewhere, and with their thought - perception going over the roof, it's superpower.
It's almost a different phenomena.
You care more about those stars and galaxies, you care more about the moon, than the earth you live on?
I wouldn't say don't think , but the problems on the land you live on are way more than what you can see.

It ain't an easy road, if you individually look at your own little screens, the fact that you're here at this point of time with a goal set in your head and your body working towards it with your brain, go team!
But there's much more to it, cos as you widen your horizon, again, Tread with your best effort, avoiding the puddles there to bring you down.

You're being carved.
You're being shaped and re-shaped, into making yourself the perfect machine, selfish or not won't matter then.
It's a part of your journey, but it depends if you choose to be on the straight swift strip and take a short sprint, or fall downhill and climb with determination, with bravery and will power, as you see the sun rise ahead.

The little pebbles of darkness crumble with every brave step we make towards our goal, killing the roaches of fear and crushing the buds of  disappointment, no. It's all a happy-go-lucky story, carved with quality and blessing, don't let the iceberg get you man. Titanic really was a fucking big ship.

Remember,
There's always a sun you'll have to face after your dark, dreadful ways.
There's always a beam of light which will arrive, when you'll know it's over now, and you can smile with relief.
There's always a warmth at the end of the cold, freezing path which will blanket you.

There's always going to be a light, even in the darkest of places.

There comes a point in life, where you have to make a choice. You have to draw a line.
It's destiny that decides whether you over-step or fall short.


Monday 10 October 2011

Angelic

Starting from a wonderful, everlasting feeling.
The feeling you get from looking in the sky, looking in the mirror, looking at yourself happy. Look around yourself.
There is so much pain, so much sorrow. There is anger, there is cruelty, there is selfishness. There is selflessness.
So many people stressed with their problems, so much frustration.
You won't stop and take out a second for those who look out for you, you wouldn't notice.

All the feelings of love, of happiness, contentment , hope , the peace of mind.
You can always have a source, a bond that binds you to your smile , an agreement where you could never need anything more than just that simple word of love, the sweet taste of joy.
It's true, you really need someone to depend on.

Disagree, if you do, but you may not notice it at first, maybe when you lose something, you realize it's value.
Losing isn't the key to realization, but it kicks you right in the chest, something that you may have never felt before. That feeling of being happy with what you do and why you do what you do may stay but you realize when you're sitting in silence in thought of what you had. You can feel the restlessness, that it's not there .

In your life, in it's place, it's not there anymore.

Doing things you could never have thought you would do, but you always do them , not realizing you have, but these little things that matter much, you do them all the time.
You don't think so much, about what you're doing and if it would disturb anyone else, you've been doing it all along , what harm can it cause.

The one person who has always stuck to you, despite your flaws and your mistakes, despite every time that you've let them down.
I lost that person in my life.

I never knew what value this person had until i lost it. And losing a person doesn't necessarily mean they've gone forever.
They may be right there, but they're just not there anymore.
You can hold on to something, thinking you'll get the same feeling you got from it once. Because that feeling was fucking priceless, that feeling held something together.

But when you never get that feeling again , and it's brutal, bruised and about to shatter, the worst it can get is, when you have to shatter it down, yourself.
You have to gulp it in, it's never going to come back.

I lost this person, in front of my eyes.
I saw the transition, it happened gradually, it happened slowly. It started because of me, and once it was too bad, it was too late to stop it.
I see this person, fallen and down, reasoning every wrong with every right word, trying to make a story fall into place, but the truth is once you're hooked onto something, just to rebel something else, it's never going to end.

You do things, because you want to do them, not because you can do them to get a reaction.
Well this time, the reaction went bad.
The reaction got to you, and got you addicted to something which would take you away from me.
Distant and cold, so far away.
And it's torture for me. To see it all happen.
I'm seeing it in front of my own eyes.

I won't say i hate anyone, but despite the attempts to try and stay out of something, i can't control my thoughts.

I want to save you, i want to protect you, but you won't let me.
There's this cloud that you're under. This dark cloud, and you've been standing in the rain for quite a while now.
It's killing me, the water won't let me in.
I had my hand for you to pull all this time, you never seem to notice anymore.

I'm learning the hard way, trying to fix every wrong i've done by reaping their consequences.
I wish i'd realized before i made these mistakes, that i'll be the one who would have to deal with all the pain i gave alone, and it would be too much.

Now i can only sit helplessly and watch my fairy tale. The clouds, the rain, the water everywhere around it.
And my angel, as beautiful as ever, lying in the water of my mistakes, losing her charm, her beauty absorbed, day by day. I can just sit, in despair. This angel once flew, if only i hadn't broken her wings.

I have no one but me to blame, and only one lesson for you to take.
If you know, completely, truly, that someone is there for you, no matter what may come, they're going to be there, and you're sure of that. Never let that one person down, never let that one person lose their hope, because all the hope in that one person, is dependent on you.

Just stay true to you .

Friday 7 October 2011

Believe

Problem child problem child problem child!

That's all i can remember if i try to bring up childhood events, and every time the topic comes, all i hear about school is the times you have been fucked up or framed, and your guardians or whoever may be called to discuss the issue gets to hear all the crazy things he or she could never have imagined being pulled off by me.

It gets to me.
The stereotype thinking of these adults, who cannot understand what life we live, what we would face everyday.
They're astonished at the things we do, and find them unacceptable.
I say fucking why? if they didn't have the opportunity to do something, good or bad doesn't matter, why bring us down, why find it unacceptable.

Accepting what's at hand is the first step i think , towards understanding another being, i'd say.
Till you can't accept what the other person actually is, good or bad, it's not going to change.
You will find the same conflict coming up, time and again , and there is no stopping till you get a hold of whats going on, till you understand what the other person does, and why he/she is doing such.
Accept that this is what it is, and you might have to make do with this, or lesser.

If you expect something, you have to believe in it first.
You can't expect me to be someone when you don't believe i can be that someone.
I believe that all the parenthood in this world know everything about a child's life, cos they've fucking been at that age, but yet they fail to understand.
So much change, so much absorption in these years, that no one can really understand how you go about your life, day by day. Only you know what's going down.

For a fact you may believe, what you've seen is what it's about,
Don't compare my life, don't raise any doubt.
I am another creation, i have my role to be played,
you cannot feel my sorrow, my anger , my shame.
For when the time comes, when the child inside has been slayed,
I want to feel , i want forgive, but i don't want to forget,
for this is my ground, this is my game, i want to move ahead, i want to numb the pain.

Tonight, as i sit here helplessly thinking about someone i hurt, i can't numb that pain.
It's irrelevant, but i just feel that even though what's done is done, you can always make up right.

A beautiful smile, a beautiful face.
The goodness in you, you're the only thing adding glow to this race.
As you talk, you never look up, you never face the eyes, what we learnt is right, there is no point to cry.
Your flawless persona, your radiating happiness, wherever you go, you don't even try.

She sits there wondering how the other side is, where life would take her, maybe sweep her off her feet, maybe set the world on a standstill, maybe she'll finally rest, maybe she'll run down the hill, maybe she'll stay away from the door, maybe she'll kick it open.
The button's right there, shes waiting to push it.
I see the pain you feel, i've known it quite well. Please walk behind me, it's dangerous, can't you tell?
I've never seen you like this before, you've never indulged more.

As the winter breeze is starting, as the dry breeze is settling in the city, my cold dry thoughts, appear, it's not worth the pity.
It's the same time of the year, it's the same old place, it's the same beautiful weather, your eyes used to shine, thinking about these moments,
I know all you have to blame is me, i'm the one who took your beauty, and i'm the one who failed his duty.
It wasn't supposed to change , it wasn't supposed to affect your ways.
I really want your eyes to shine, i want your smile to glow the same way.
You're the same child who radiated such happiness, you're the one who pulled me out of my sickness.

Life is about second chances, so i've heard.
And second chances are almost always worth it. You don't always get second chances, you most don't let people down again.

The feeling where you found something, and you made it into a meaning, so beautiful, so relieving, about peace and happiness, joy and sharing.
Every thing has a smile to it, every word has an eye to it.
I lost out on you, and i lost out again, we never made amends, we've always followed that trend.

I didn't cry wolf, the wolf came to.
I promise , to not let you down, to capture those moments again.

For when i found my wisdom, i found out here is where i have to be.
With arms wide, i'm sorry.

And someone close, referred this to me.
It's just a reminder of the other person we all have to be.

" Growing up is never easy, you hold on to things that were, you wonder whats to come, but that night, i think we knew it was time to let go of what had been, and look ahead to what would be, other days, new days, days to come. "

The thing is, we didn't have to hate each other for getting older, we just had to forgive ourselves for growing up.

Always :)

Wednesday 5 October 2011

Moments of truth.

I just realized that i really miss how school was like.
There was always a fixed part of your day where you had to go, do something constructive, in my case i mostly never went and even if i did, i believe i was fairly bad at doing anything constructive. But you still had a fixed part going on, nothing to worry about. Examinations might come and go, studying was always last minute.

I was an average student i'd say, only the last year was the best year in school, where i passed out with flying colors, that wasn't expected.
But i agree that it was the best year.

It's like a lesson to me , in a video which plays over and over all the time.
I could have played the game differently i suppose.
I look back and i see all the shortcuts i took in life.

All these things in school, the reputation, the teachers, the authority.
Nothing seemed to matter back then, just do what i like.
Always the rebel child. If not stupid, i wasn't smart enough to not get caught though.
I've always been a problem child i suppose.

Friends did matter of course, there are numerous stories that you build up in your head about yourself and your team and your group together.
Hurting people seemed to not matter at that time.
I'm not talking about physically hurting, that's not even half the issue.
The type who would get away with whatever and not seem to care what the other side may feel.
I'm talking about that. Now that i think of it, i never ever realized what i did.

But i know, that i've hurt a lot of people. All these memories seem to burn inside, when i think of what i used to do. I would never treat a person like that now, i'm sure.
It's always about learning from your own mistakes.

I've seen almost all my friends do the same things and see where that ends up, good or bad doesn't matter until you try it yourself.
Always been that way, learning from my own mistakes.
I can imagine the pain i've caused to so many people, i never meant to.

But sometimes, i skipped the part where you have to stop yourself.
I never thought of these things back then.

There's no making up for that part now, all there's left of school is that all the teachers that hate you for being the problem child get their gossip heads shut by the marks you left with.
That's all that matters true, it could never have been better, with that picture you see.

The jock, the rebel kid, the whatever, marks is all they cared about, and so it worked in my favor if that's the case.
But the other part, that can never be mended now.

All i know is, that i'll never want to be that person now, and i know exactly how not to be.
Life does teach you, the only part is, what you've learnt and realized, you only have to live with it.

Even as i look beyond myself, i wonder if i'm the same person inside now.
Can i still be the hurtful, can i still cause so much pain to someone.
One question, i have no answer to is whether i'm being too conscious or is there no need to control myself, speak freely?
Because that's the person i was. Maybe that's still the person i am. Maybe i'm not that person at all anymore.
I guess i'll have an answer to that someday, like i said, you learn from only your own mistakes.

Tuesday 4 October 2011

In her boots

Sitting with one of those who know me more than i know myself, hearing about her life, alone in another place.
This angel. helpful and innocent. A face that would bring a smile to any sorry ass, around. Away from her loved ones, surviving on her own , creamy or not , it's a different world whatsoever outside of your safe place right?


Lived all her childhood here, now so far away, observing , learning , feeling , sharing.
It's glam , of course. But, when you need someone, you do need someone right?
There is no person there to listen , when that inner  child comes out, wants to play, wants to run in those fields again, the feeling that there is this watchful eye over me.
You can't replace that.


However old you may be, you'll never be able to dance alone.
You do have your wings, you have spread them , you flew.
But what does one do, when those wings don't get you the feeling of home when you need to.


It's not an opinion from me, i just think shes feeling this way.
So strong on the outside, yet there is this little spark of vulnerability.


My opinions don't change, even if i can feel what she's feeling.
Spread those wings, test them. See how far you can fly. Once you've started, there's no point going back right.
That's a stupid decision if you decide to turn. Even if you don't , your minds still stuck on that thought, half the while. What are you worth then? you're weak, you'll never make it.


Look at that eagle.
The great magnificent eagle, gliding so high above.
It can see everything, it knows what's going down.
Its the best at what it does. Kill, eat, survive.
No one should underestimate it, it's leap of faith can leave your eyes wide open.
The fear of the swiftly moving bird, soaring right at you, screeching with its yellow eyes about to pop.
Might scare a few i'd say.


I'm no one to decide, but don't fucking give up.
we all have a shell to get out of only to find out that we have to shape the next one.
And as usual, you'll have to wait it out. Everyday life, still goes on.


Until next time 
:)

Monday 3 October 2011

The burning nerve ending magic trick.

It's you, it's the burning nerve ending magic trick. It's YOU.

Open this link in a new tab ^^ dim the lights, just listen to the song, it's not much.
Just a feeling. Take every song as it comes, every song is meant for someone to feel something at some point of time.

As my friend always says, Music is for everyone.


It's you, it's the burning nerve ending magic trick.
The creepy guy wailing behind you, you turn around but you wont see him.
He's here, there , everywhere. Popping sounds from everywhere.
It's you, it's the burning nerve ending magic trick.
It's like a sound of a car crashing towards you, its YOU.

The other guys screaming, he's angry.
He's fucking furious.
It's you, it's burning, nerve ending magic trick.
It's the demon coming.
It's YOU.

He's crying, out tears of laughter.
He's swirling on the floor laughing.
He can't control it anymore, he's losing contact.
It's you.

He's trying to swim on the floor, he's laughing.
He's angry. It's you.
He just want's to clap and scream out, he's losing it.

He's numb, he's trembling, he's shrieking, He's Shouting.
He's really angry.
It's you.
It's the burning, nerve ending magic trick.

This song really creeps me out.
But don't stop at that.


Every song, may it be like this one.
It's just a recording, there are no sounds. Nothing.

But the beauty of an artist is that, that they can make you hear, their feelings, through their work.
Hearing feelings, in sound. Love at first sound. That's music.

I only chose this as an example, because it really does make you feel.
Something isn't right.

It's you.



A bigger meaning.

There is no bigger meaning to life, is what my friend told me.
That's pretty true i think , we're all living.

We all think we're living for a reason.
Like you know , everybody has their own reasons to live.
You're living your life working for a better future, a better place to be in.
We're all struggling to make a place for ourselves.

But what i'm talking about is , that in my life, the 20 years i've lived it,
I've seen so much change.
In people , in times, in our surroundings , the world.

Everything is developing.
20 years into the world and we are at the peak of development.
All the things we generally need have been invented, and technology is supporting our every need.
We have devised the perfect way for survival.

I think of my life ahead of me.
Let's assume i have at least 40-50 more years to go.
More than double the time i've seen all this change in.

What's lying behind this curtain.
What more is there to come. Why can i not jump into the time there is to come,
See whats ahead of me.

I can only imagine us as a whole, homo - sapiens.
We're such a tiny dot when i think of the earth, around these planets and the sun.
Our tiny solar system.
When i think about this , yesterday night, in my balcony, talking to my friend,
I imagine us , all of us in this tiny planet.

 The night traveled, it was day and sunshine outside.
It's still dark here.
This is the first time i though about this.
What if we come to such a peak , when we can travel to the other millions of system outside ours.
What will we discover, will we find new life forms.
Who sustained, survived , evolved, learnt from us , and benefited.
Or those, just like us, humans, on an entirely new system, living their lives, in their own world.
Will they have the same faces like us? Will they be different to look at?
Will they be powerful enough to take us on, or will we communicate, and transform each other.
Two different worlds, learning only through communication.

Neither is capable enough to enter, but wise enough to transform as we speak.
There are no answers, none whatsoever.

I personally believe , that's a bigger meaning to life.
But the truth is, there are no answers.
Life goes on, every day.
Hour by hour, Minute by minute.
We live, it out just to live, to survive.
Waiting for a better tomorrow, waiting to achieve the perfect yesterday everyday, waiting for a better meaning.


Beautifully put.

Sets you thinking. 
It's my most favorite phrase, from the television series , One tree hill.

Forgiveness is never easy. Bitterness is easy, hatred is easy. But forgiveness, That's a tough one.
Sometimes people say things they don't mean or do things they can't take back.

Sometimes we do things we can't take back.
We're all afraid of something.
What i have done is who i am.
But what i have done is not what i will be.
Since i realized what i have done is not who i can be.

Unburden yourself from the mistakes of the past.
And when you do, your heart grows stronger, i should know.
But it doesn't mean that what you have done is forgotten and what you done shall always be remembered.

To keep you satisfied.


She would sit by her sofa, staring at the fog. She would wonder about her past, burning her smokes to ash.
She would wonder what happened to her, the life she cherished,
It all came down to a single spilt second.

Why do I need him.
The question keeps looping in her mind,
Why did I tell him that.

It kills her to see him with someone else, it kills her everyday, to see him smiling was a bliss to her, yet that smile she hates, because that smile isn't for her, its by her.

She won't understand or even choose to listen, she burns like the cigarette on her tasty red lips, wondering about the forgiven sin, she chooses to forget, but she knows she can't. Ever wondered why it couldn't fall into place? Let's leave it up to her.

What I believe isn't something she would ask for, what I pray for isn't something she longs for. Its time and time isn't ours to stop, its a while since we've seen that smile and time is what would heal the wounds.

But then the scar remains. Its a big question, wanting something, you don't know if you should wait for the person to want you back, or if you should ask for nothing and still want something.

Truth is, having something is easy, but waiting to have something, its intruiging. Life is a button, push it, but don't ask when its going to stop. 

Passing by a lonely street, I heard a distant scream, no. it isn’t a dream.
I’m really seeing my own soul bleed. Those dark eyes numb with pain, hate, and shame.

Nope, I can’t reach out to my soul, it’s an unending, deep dark hole.
Through my bleeding tears I see. What was meant to be?

Here it comes. Here is my end. No room to pretend. Here is my life’s last bend.
I can’t run anymore. It’s just an endless road. Lots of up’s and down’s.
All I could do was frown. I can’t believe what I’m seeing from my own eyes.

Open up your eyes, save me from what’s been broken. It’s such a long way out of here.
All this time I’ve waited, never seemed to change. Sinking with these steps,

Scared of what might be next. My instincts disappear.
The only voice I hear, is telling me to run away from here. Don’t be afraid.
No one left to blame, don’t shut me out.
This is the face of life, you start, you have fun, and you enjoy and take pride.
Don't get shut down by the low, don't get hurt by the flow.

Just face what you need to , cos you shall reap only what you sow.



Refusing to bury.


It always was too hard to find, A solid platform waiting to bind.
Look back upon this street of darkness, You can’t see a sign of advancement.
There’s no coming back upon this world of shame, It’s just good to admire in a frame.
A sentence filled with unfilled brackets. You chose this life for yourself,
Don’t you cry now.
So deep you’ll drown without a trace,
I’m sorry it’s the judgment you’ll have to face.

A life ended early is the easy way out, Fight the darkness is what I shout.
If you're hurt from the inside,
Don't cut it out,
Keep it inside baby don't shout.

His first cries were for a home. 
A dome which made emotions, A place which lacked motion.
A devil grew up, he made hell. He cried out pain, all wrapped in chains.
He made jealousy. A feeling not to forget easily.
Families were planned,Growing up is ought to have a ban.
Children are such bliss, When you grow there's a lot to miss.
Cherish the past it was too great to catch, But this new pain had to hatch.

Baby I’m watching you go, I’m watching you pass me by,
Don’t you make me cry, Don't you make me shy,
What you're doing is sly. Please come by,
I’m waiting to fly. 

Shades of your face, In my heart they fade.
The blood of your silence, Makes me turn to violence.

Teaching yourself is the worst part; it’s just like a game of dart.
Hit the bulls eye and you’ve made a good choice,
At least now you don’t have to face the noise.







CHAPTER 1 : Beep, beep, beep.

I made a decision today, i'm sitting here, pretty stunned by things i shall tell you about as i go forward with this account. This decision i'm telling you about, it's about writing, about my life, my thoughts, so that i can take myself as a third person, and try and understand what i am. What's going down.


Getting a grip on life, still there's a huge part of me, which thinks, or rather, which is sure of having the knowledge about every hard fact about life there is to understand. On the contrary, i have questions in me. Yeah for a fact , i've known that there are a lot of arguments within me about certain things. I think i'm sure of something for a while , until something comes up and raises a question , to which i have no answer. And when i seek those answers, i face a completely changed reality. 


How can it seem so real everytime, and then completely change its face, and kick me with all might? I realize, everytime. I mean most of the times yes, i'm quite taken back by what i make of something i knew before i learnt more about it, which is not necessarily true, but yet it can shift shapes.


This is probably confusing you as much as it's confusing me. I don't even know if i'm going to continue with this, but its a way of talking. Communicating , that's the word.
 I feel like i have a lot say inside me, but i end up swallowing everything i think of.


 I never say it out. 


I'm pretty confident, thats never been a problem.
I was quite a loud child, and i've pulled of the craziest shit.
The people around me, the ones who are ALWAYS around me. 
They know me well enough to tell you i could pull of something insanely out of the normal, cos i've always been that kid. I have these moments, where my mind tells me to stop, but what i'm doing, the feeling is overwhelming. It gives my body some sort of rush. 
That notorious rush sorta thing , is what i'm talking about.
 Everyone has a wild side to them right?


I don't know much about mine cos I've never known how i'm like to others, but the feeling enough to tell me that somethings really different.
i observe everything, i've obeserved everything going on around me for a while now. This period may be the only period where i've put some thought to use.


Sitting on the floor in the balcony, lights out. Listening to the drugs don't work by the verve. The only thought i had in my head was, That yes, once you start with the # , there's no stopping once you know how to take it, absorb it, use it. I read somewhere, it gives you psychedelic powers, damn straight. Hahaah, Its funny though, it really does take over your life. You know, like all your friends, i wouldn't say friends, cos their level is different, we're united, like brothers, helping each other, learning from each other, having a good time every day, and supporting one another in everything. All of us know each other so well, that there wouldn't be a time anyone of us goes astray.
Every person is special, every person has a lot to teach , a lot to learn.


There is a lot of parts here, and i can explain everything , cos memories are your own little screen. I heard that line somewhere, It's a beautiful song by bjork and thom yorke  called i've seen it all. This girl , is going to lose her vision, and the guy is singing to her and they're both singing , the girls singing about her life, that she's seen it all , there is no more to see. The guy gives her examples, " What about china, have you seen the great wall? " , " You've never been to niagra falls" .
She's happy with what she's lived , and she says " All walls are great , if the roof doesn't fall " , " I have seen water , it's water that's all ".
It's a beautiful song, describing the contentment of a woman, it's different because all the things we hear these days, there's wailing , there's anger, pain and regret. There's suffering , There's vain , blood and sweat. Happiness and laughter, brightness and flowers. Rarely heard anything made on contentment. It got to me.



I'm only inspired by it , cos it does teach you, if it doesn't control you.
Those who are controlled by it, or those who only use them to appeal, might not face this change. I think of it in a very positive way. Don't let it control you , don't get dependant, and just take it to enjoy it, not to aid yourself.


Theres alot of negativity involved, i can feel it myself as i read my words. But trust me , if you make this story's base here, i think we should all go home , and not waste our time. But i chose to make this sheet a medium , only to help myself out.


I'm a very curious person , honestly. Till i don't make something out of my own perception and contact with the answer to a question, i cannot satisfy this thirst to know more.
Right now, the only thing on my mind is how to tell this to myself.


Filled with thoughts, questions, dream bubbles waiting to burst, to be someone, to be something. I guess i'll just have to wait. 


Looking forward to answering my questions, with more of them. 
And when i do, I'll be the only one to tell myself  IT'S TRUE. That's the purity of knowing. When no one can tell you what happened, what they saw, heard or felt. When you see, hear, feel and think in that situation , you actually reap the fruit of being there , at the right time , the right place. That is a checkpoint, a system restore point for your own mind, And i'm proud to say that nobody, can fucking change that.


Music, is something that can catch you, put you through a web, entagle you, put you in a spell, then drag you out. Slowly , or jerk you out, its their choice, but we, move just as swiftly.
So i was talking to this girl about some songs and stuff, and something came up on fear. Fear automatically placed the word restriction to me. It's practical you know. Like, it fits in. Cos if  you're afraid of something, it really is common sense to know that you're not going to be able to do it. Like not a fucking point even trying to do something with half your concentration scared out of you. It's pretty obvious you're going to have to deal with it sometime right? How else are you fucking going to do the thing you want to otherwise?


Thats where people fall short. They try, they fail. Then they try elsewhere, halfway through, they fail again. Now if you keep changing your spot, how are you going to sync in?
The rare few, who go through the pain , of trying and failing, then trying at the same spot again, cleaning up your flaws, working your way through the best possible track. It's almost like discovering something new inside of you. This new power, this feeling where theres an immense amount of happiness for something new which was found at that moment. It's sheer happiness. 


There is a whole lot of music, thoughts, words, lifestyle plus stages, minus stages, but what the hell, whats life without some adventure? If you don't fuck up, how will you ever try not to fuck up right? To know the boundaries of something you have to test it. 
It could be anyone, anything , any thought.
You have to test it yourself, shake the fear at times, and stare right into the subject. See through it.
Feel what it feels. Empathy, thats another feeling new to me.
But don't let sympathy take path, not to anyone, or yourself.