Wednesday, 5 October 2011

Moments of truth.

I just realized that i really miss how school was like.
There was always a fixed part of your day where you had to go, do something constructive, in my case i mostly never went and even if i did, i believe i was fairly bad at doing anything constructive. But you still had a fixed part going on, nothing to worry about. Examinations might come and go, studying was always last minute.

I was an average student i'd say, only the last year was the best year in school, where i passed out with flying colors, that wasn't expected.
But i agree that it was the best year.

It's like a lesson to me , in a video which plays over and over all the time.
I could have played the game differently i suppose.
I look back and i see all the shortcuts i took in life.

All these things in school, the reputation, the teachers, the authority.
Nothing seemed to matter back then, just do what i like.
Always the rebel child. If not stupid, i wasn't smart enough to not get caught though.
I've always been a problem child i suppose.

Friends did matter of course, there are numerous stories that you build up in your head about yourself and your team and your group together.
Hurting people seemed to not matter at that time.
I'm not talking about physically hurting, that's not even half the issue.
The type who would get away with whatever and not seem to care what the other side may feel.
I'm talking about that. Now that i think of it, i never ever realized what i did.

But i know, that i've hurt a lot of people. All these memories seem to burn inside, when i think of what i used to do. I would never treat a person like that now, i'm sure.
It's always about learning from your own mistakes.

I've seen almost all my friends do the same things and see where that ends up, good or bad doesn't matter until you try it yourself.
Always been that way, learning from my own mistakes.
I can imagine the pain i've caused to so many people, i never meant to.

But sometimes, i skipped the part where you have to stop yourself.
I never thought of these things back then.

There's no making up for that part now, all there's left of school is that all the teachers that hate you for being the problem child get their gossip heads shut by the marks you left with.
That's all that matters true, it could never have been better, with that picture you see.

The jock, the rebel kid, the whatever, marks is all they cared about, and so it worked in my favor if that's the case.
But the other part, that can never be mended now.

All i know is, that i'll never want to be that person now, and i know exactly how not to be.
Life does teach you, the only part is, what you've learnt and realized, you only have to live with it.

Even as i look beyond myself, i wonder if i'm the same person inside now.
Can i still be the hurtful, can i still cause so much pain to someone.
One question, i have no answer to is whether i'm being too conscious or is there no need to control myself, speak freely?
Because that's the person i was. Maybe that's still the person i am. Maybe i'm not that person at all anymore.
I guess i'll have an answer to that someday, like i said, you learn from only your own mistakes.

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